Sunday, July 29, 2012

(At a show:) "Every time there's a table in the shape of Africa, you know it's going to be a bad play. (To himself:) That didn't make any sense! Oh, it's a clock."

Saturday, July 28, 2012

"Church would be more popular if they used Neccos."

Thursday, July 26, 2012

(While watching Cirque, of course:) "Well, I was watching him slap people with a porkchop, so I didn't see anything happen."

Sunday, July 22, 2012

(After reading this review of 50 Shades of Grey, moving on to finishing pizza dough): "Phil and his inner goddess need to proof the dough!"

Monday, July 16, 2012

"No, I'm not pregnant, just hungry." in regards to this:
That's a string cheese, slim jim, boston cream donut, (not pictured: keilbasa, half an apple), and oj with watermelon syrup (don't knock it, it's amazing).

Thursday, July 5, 2012

"The velcro is the sound of my shame."

Monday, July 2, 2012

(He texts from a weekend away:) "I didn't shave this weekend so I have more beard than I started with.  Incidentally, this is the exact opposite of Tom Cruise's weekend."