(Eating wings at the bar, with a friend who owns chickens:) "Man, when your chickens are done laying eggs, I hope they're this delicious."  (She slaps him, "I have a relationship with my chickens."). "I'm having a relationship with my wings!"

(Miming being in box:) "Help!  I'm stuck in a box of my own stupidity!"

(After nearly tripping over the cat, again:) "Stupid cat! Why are you always where I want to be?  You're not visa!"

"Let's be classy about our time lapse porn."

(To his cousin (the MMA fighter, who once fought as "Iceman"), after besting him on the boardwalk at the strongman...thing, whatever they call those where you whack a platform with a mallet and try to ding the bell at the top:) "You're demoted from Iceman to Slushy Guy."

He afterward turned to the crowd that had gathered behind us, pointed to his cousin -- "Mixed Martial Arts fighter" -- and to himself -- "Physics professor.  Science works."