Sunday, June 30, 2013

(After gesturing wildly with a head of lettuce:) "Romaine, bitches!"

Monday, June 24, 2013

(After gesturing wildly with a head of lettuce:) "When the lettuce comes out, it's on!"

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Guest Stupidity

(From my wardrobe staff:) "If your hand has never tenderly grazed the balls of the person whose fly you're zipping up, you don't understand the meaning of the word 'diva.'"

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Guest Stupidity

"If I had a nursery, I would make a g-string pendant (car-lot banner).  Take that, Pinterest!"

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Guest stupidity

(Talking about shoo-fly pie:) "I make a nice wet-bottom."

Friday, June 14, 2013

(After a commercial for a hospital:) "That person has an IV, get them back inside before it gets infected!  God!  Fucking whiteboard hospitals and their stupid shit!"

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

(After I found a mysterious smear of blood on my chin and remarked upon it:) "What do I keep telling you?  You can't just sacrifice the people, you have to respect the ceremony."

Wednesday, June 5, 2013