(Dejectedly:)  "My jazz hands are out of frame."

Guest stupidity

"I just want to give a pumpkin spice blowjob is all."

(Directing me to a particular liqueur in the bar:) "If the bottle was a person, Sir Mix-a-Lot would love it."

"If you're going to be a trophy wife honey, you need a bigger shelf."

Oh football...

"Watching my cat try to catch her toy mouse is like watching Mark Sanchez try and carry a football."

"That ficus has seen horrors."

Guest Stupidity

"I think my curly bangs add a certain romanticism to the situation.  Suck it, Jane Austen."