"I shall refer to it as 'The Fru-Fru Crew.'"

I don't remember what it was.  I may never have known.

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"Nothing says 'I can cook' like having a codpiece on my apron."

Yes.  That actually just happened.  You cannot unsee this.  You're welcome.
 

"Ivy...it's like an afro for your lawn."

(We have an electric blanket on our couch, since I tend to get cold.  It is dual-zone, half on the back and half on the seat:) "Can you turn my butt down, it's too hot!"

(Regarding the hugely depressing ASPCA ads shown on Cartoon Network and Comedy Central:) "It's like the bi-polar station."

(Mixing his after-dinner coffee drink, adding Sambuka and Amaretto to the mug:) "Oh look, it's a glassful of things you hate!"  (Takes a swig:) "It's two great tastes that taste great together and burn like fuck on the way down!  I highly recommend it!  Why don't I do this more often?"

(Having decided to awake me after he'd gotten up, my husband bursts into the bedroom and throws the cat onto the bed): "Release the Krakken!" 

The cat gave him an irritated look and immediately got the hell out of there.

 (He keeps referring to Trivial Pursuit's Genus Edition as "Genius Edition."  His friend says, "You're working for Princeton, you can't add letters to shit!":) "I can, because I work for Princeton."

"I may not look like Paula Deene but I like the butter."