Sunday, December 9, 2012

Guest Stupidity

Courtesy of one of my coworkers -- at the department holiday party, during a trivia game, after a large number of Jewish students could not properly identify which direction menorah candles are lit: "Do we get a prize for the worst Jew ever?"

Saturday, December 1, 2012


Courtesy of my brother...thank him every time you do this!

"How old is too old to put on your high beams on a snowy night and pretend you're Han Solo entering hyperspace?"

Sunday, November 25, 2012

(Talking about when he was in school:) "That was back when I was just a little amazing. ...I was humble once, too."

Monday, November 19, 2012

Shameless Self-Promotion

Visit my shop and find a perfect gift for that special someone!  This weekend, use coupon code BLACKFRIDAY for 10% off your order!  
(Placing a steak in the broiler:) "Go go Maillard Reaction!"

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Big 3-0!

(If I recall, we were watching one of the Harry Potter movies:) "Ha! Five year olds didn't get the goat rape joke. That's for me!"

Happy birthday MPH!!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

In Honor Of Thanksgiving

(Christmas eve, as a turkey is being prepared.  Makes what is presumably a turkey noise:) "I can commune with animals.  I am the Turkey Whisperer."

Friday, November 16, 2012

(Heading into a Chinese restaurant, after sitting in the car for long enough to get to the refrain on a popular Indian song and doing a proper bit of in-seat dancing along:) "I'm an honorary Desi.  I have instant access to trains in the event of an impromptu music video.  ...that might be the greatest sentence I've ever said in my life."

Monday, November 12, 2012

(Cooking an apple mixture for dessert:) "I just made the universe.  It's in my pan."

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Guest Stupidity

"Gay men horde horrible things."  Our designer, referring to the masses of vintage 70s garments borrowed (or from his own collection) for our next show.

Monday, October 29, 2012

"I wish my life was a sitcom. I bet it would be highly rated.  ...I appeal to many demographics, let's be honest.  Moms love me."

Sunday, October 28, 2012

"I do lasers, not common sense."
(Talking about magnets:) "Damn you parallel electron spins!"
"I make awkward into an art form."

Sunday, September 30, 2012

(Eating wings at the bar, with a friend who owns chickens:) "Man, when your chickens are done laying eggs, I hope they're this delicious."  (She slaps him, "I have a relationship with my chickens."). "I'm having a relationship with my wings!"

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

(Miming being in box:) "Help!  I'm stuck in a box of my own stupidity!"

Monday, September 10, 2012

(After nearly tripping over the cat, again:) "Stupid cat! Why are you always where I want to be?  You're not visa!"

Sunday, September 9, 2012

"Let's be classy about our time lapse porn."

Sunday, September 2, 2012

(To his cousin (the MMA fighter, who once fought as "Iceman"), after besting him on the boardwalk at the strongman...thing, whatever they call those where you whack a platform with a mallet and try to ding the bell at the top:) "You're demoted from Iceman to Slushy Guy."

He afterward turned to the crowd that had gathered behind us, pointed to his cousin -- "Mixed Martial Arts fighter" -- and to himself -- "Physics professor.  Science works."

Thursday, August 23, 2012

"I do like cats. Medium rare with a side of fries."

Friday, August 17, 2012

(Watching TV:) "Ooh, Macy's is having a sale on Saturday.  I have some coupons...I could use some new black slacks...holy shit, I'm an adult."

He sounded so dejected at that last.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

(At a show:) "Every time there's a table in the shape of Africa, you know it's going to be a bad play. (To himself:) That didn't make any sense! Oh, it's a clock."

Saturday, July 28, 2012

"Church would be more popular if they used Neccos."

Thursday, July 26, 2012

(While watching Cirque, of course:) "Well, I was watching him slap people with a porkchop, so I didn't see anything happen."

Sunday, July 22, 2012

(After reading this review of 50 Shades of Grey, moving on to finishing pizza dough): "Phil and his inner goddess need to proof the dough!"

Monday, July 16, 2012

"No, I'm not pregnant, just hungry." in regards to this:
That's a string cheese, slim jim, boston cream donut, (not pictured: keilbasa, half an apple), and oj with watermelon syrup (don't knock it, it's amazing).

Thursday, July 5, 2012

"The velcro is the sound of my shame."

Monday, July 2, 2012

(He texts from a weekend away:) "I didn't shave this weekend so I have more beard than I started with.  Incidentally, this is the exact opposite of Tom Cruise's weekend."

Thursday, June 28, 2012

(After using my hand cream and then groping me:) "Clever huh? I camouflaged my hands as homosexuals."

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Guest stupidity

(One of my coworkers, a director, asking about props:) "I want to know what palonies are. (sausages.) I knew that actually. ...Are they pretty palonies?"

Monday, June 18, 2012

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Guest stupidity

(MPH's father -- who, with his wife, have trained the backyard squirrels to eat peanuts from their hands, though he formerly tried to shoot them.  MPH chucked a peanut at a squirrel and was admonished:) "I'm in touch with the universe.  I feed the animals now."

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Guest stupidity

(MPH's cousin, Iceman) "I'm never getting married- (to us) no offense - it's going to be baby mama #1 and baby mama #2, that's it."

Friday, June 15, 2012

Guest stupidity!

(From my staff member Ann, a fellow rollergirl:) "Sharing the love means taking the bitch down with you."

Thursday, June 14, 2012

"You know, if we never have kids, we should adopt (our friend) Brie.  That way, we can be proud of how far she's come as a scientist, and at the same time, disappointed at some of her life choices.  It's the total child experience."

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

"Squee needs a Christmas episode....well, I guess first she needs a show."

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

(On our vacation to Montauk, in the very quiet off-season:) "No students, no questions.  Just you, me, and my thoughts.  Threesome."

Friday, May 11, 2012

"You're beautiful when you're not coughing up phlegm."

Thursday, May 3, 2012

MPH has a new friend.....

MPH was out working on his new bike last night, when what should land on the planter nearby but....

 Yup, that's a pigeon, just a couple of feet away.

This bird stuck around for something like an hour, in spite of movement, noise, things dropping, him hitting the planter (incidentally, not on purpose), and me opening the door 5 feet away and coming out to help. At some point my head was about 18" away from it.  Yes, it was alive -- it was looking around and moving while it was sitting there, and eventually flew away after whacking its head on the porch ceiling about 50 times.  I've dubbed him "Sir Gives No Fucks." 

Friday, April 27, 2012

"I don't talk when I'm asleep, the dumb comes out when I'm awake."

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

(Smelling my hair after a night in tech rehearsal:) "You smell like the theatre.  It smells like sawdust, paint, and frustration."

Saturday, March 24, 2012

(Shaun: "He talks with his fingertips.")  "Like a broken Italian?"

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Saturday, February 25, 2012

(As a compliment:) "Fuck you, you're hot."

Thursday, February 23, 2012

(On the progress of our workout program:) "I no longer have man-boobs, I have perky man-tits."

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

(After killing a spider at Dunkin' Donuts, I admonished him that the spider was just minding its own business:) "I always felt bad for the rabbit...'stupid kids, what have I become?' of physics at Princeton, that's what, fuck the rabbit.". (To himself in the third person:) "Oh, he's a jerk."

Monday, February 20, 2012

A break from your regularly scheduled stupidity

 to show off pictures from WickedFaire -- we went as the Steampunk Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

 Me (Physicist's wife) -- Famine
 Ria (Physicist Girlfriend's boyfriend) -- War
 Kara (Physicist Girlfriend)-- Death
 Phil (Physicist Husband) -- Pestilence

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


"Upload me baby, I wanna be a web sensation."

Behold, Pestilence:

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Phil: "Tits are the reason for the season."
Ria: "What season would that be?"

Phil: "Boobies."

About the Superbowl halftime show.....

Me: "Oh look, they're only showing clips from before [Madonna] sucked."
Ria: "Yeah, before she started collecting kids like a Pokemon master."
Phil: "Yeah, I'd like to see her and Angelina Jolie battle it out.  'Damnit, you've got an Asian!  That's my weakness, I can't do math!'"


Saturday, January 28, 2012

(Admiring a freshly-cooked steak:) "My meat is paparazzi worthy!"

Saturday, January 21, 2012

(Dancing around the kitchen, flailing:) "In my world there is little difference between dancing and boxing."

Sunday, January 15, 2012

(Over Christmas, discussing with his high-school friends ex-girlfriends who none of them particularly liked:) "Well, I was young and impressionable and she had big boobs, what do you expect?"

Thursday, January 12, 2012

(While drinking a lot at a friend's wedding, after insulting the maid of honor:) "Remember when I had an inner monologue?  That was nice."

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

(While watching CNN:) "Damn you Anderson Cooper and your rugged good looks!"