Saturday, December 24, 2011

(after I finished crocheting a last minute gift:) "Nothing says 'I love you' like a cephalopod I knitted myself."

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

(While watching Easy A, they get something physics-related totally wrong:) "Aw, dumb physics ruining hot woman. Makes my brain hurt and my penis sad."

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I'd need to drink more to be this stupid.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"I am the fucking Half-Blood Prince of the kitchen."

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

(regarding decorating the Christmas tree:) "Let's put on a Christmas movie and deck this bitch."

Picture of the decked bitch will be posted tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

(Coming into the bathroom first thing in the morning, noting the cat sitting on the sink, as per usual:) "I like to think that the cat and I have this weird codependency that one day would make a great buddy comedy."

Monday, November 21, 2011

(Upon discovering he was running out of deoderant, and my exclaimation that I couldn't understand how he uses it up so fast:)
Me: How do you use up your deoderant so quickly?
MPH: I think it's my pit hair, not enough gets to the skin.  Next time I buzz [my goatee], I think i'm gonna give my pits a fade.
Me: You know how I know you're gay?
MPH: Hey!  That's not gay, that's gangster!  When I raise my gun up sideways to bust a cap in someone's ass, I want them to see my fade.  THAT'S gangsta. 
(He tried to get me to change his actual quote to "The last think I want them to think is, 'Hey, nice pits!'")

Thursday, November 17, 2011

(Regarding the new Northern commercial where we are told to speak seriously about what we want from our toilet paper:) "I don't ask so much of my toilet paper that we need to have a discussion about it."

Sunday, November 13, 2011

(Referring to Robert Pattinson's character in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, repeatedly:) "Cedric Sparkletits Diggery"

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

He's sweet even if he says silly things...these were actually given to me a week ago...they're holding up great!

Monday, November 7, 2011

(Re: a duster commercial where the ineffectiveness of a feather duster is demonstrated by smacking a dusty surface:) "It's like fucking an octogenarian -- knock it too hard and you'll get dust everywhere."

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Can't unhear....

So has anyone seen T-Mobile's holiday commercial, where they pervert "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" into "walking in a 4G wonderland?"  My Physicist Husband misheard this as "walking in an orgy wonderland"...we haven't looked back.  Suddenly commercials are entertaining again.

Friday, November 4, 2011

"That was topical humor, like an ointment."

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

(While discussing the potential to not modify a pair of pants to wear to a renaissance faire:) "I want my pants gay!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"I shall refer to it as 'The Fru-Fru Crew.'"

I don't remember what it was.  I may never have known.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Now with Pictures!

"Nothing says 'I can cook' like having a codpiece on my apron."

Yes.  That actually just happened.  You cannot unsee this.  You're welcome.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

"'s like an afro for your lawn."

Friday, October 14, 2011

(We have an electric blanket on our couch, since I tend to get cold.  It is dual-zone, half on the back and half on the seat:) "Can you turn my butt down, it's too hot!"

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

(Regarding the hugely depressing ASPCA ads shown on Cartoon Network and Comedy Central:) "It's like the bi-polar station."

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

(Mixing his after-dinner coffee drink, adding Sambuka and Amaretto to the mug:) "Oh look, it's a glassful of things you hate!"  (Takes a swig:) "It's two great tastes that taste great together and burn like fuck on the way down!  I highly recommend it!  Why don't I do this more often?"

Monday, October 3, 2011

(Having decided to awake me after he'd gotten up, my husband bursts into the bedroom and throws the cat onto the bed): "Release the Krakken!" 

The cat gave him an irritated look and immediately got the hell out of there.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

 (He keeps referring to Trivial Pursuit's Genus Edition as "Genius Edition."  His friend says, "You're working for Princeton, you can't add letters to shit!":) "I can, because I work for Princeton."

Saturday, October 1, 2011

"I may not look like Paula Deene but I like the butter."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

(Regarding a less-than-favorite uncle in a favorite wedding photo): "Where's Wal-douche?"

Monday, September 19, 2011

(While explaining a banked track car problem:) "Think Nascar but it means something."  (The response from his friend: "I'm stupid, not Southern.")

Sunday, September 18, 2011

"You're on Team La Porta now.  It's like Team Edward, but less gay."

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

"Twelve thought trains ran through the station at the same time...and then it stopped, cause the conductor died."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"Every time I fart, it'll smell like an orange grove."

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

(My husband is apparently madly in love with the candy, Dots.) "I hope if we have twins, one of them is a Dot, cause then it would be huge and delicious and I could eat it...and we could still have a kid."

No, this does not mean I'm pregnant.

Monday, September 5, 2011

"Yeah, OCD just means 'old cool dude.' ...That made no sense."

Saturday, September 3, 2011

(While watching Harry Potter 7a:) "So wearing a horcrux all day turns you into a douchebag." ("yup.")  "Kind of like Axe Body Spray."  ("Exactly.")  "I've got this."

Friday, September 2, 2011

"Some people call it pooping, I call it making room for fun."

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

(While I was poking at his errant nose-hair:) "Leave the control-hair alone!  It's the antenna to the mothership!"

Monday, August 29, 2011

"It's like a rescue-chopper of oranges."

Sunday, August 28, 2011

(Watching Torchwood:) "La la la la...I'm not hearing your dumb physics."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Going to depart from our daily stupidity for an update:  My Physicist Husband was just offered a job as Physics lecturer at Princeton University.  Seems he's smarter than some of his exclaimations would imply.  Congrats honey -- I knew you could do it!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

(While playing the Kinek dance game:) "Riding the train to mediocrity."

Monday, August 22, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

On line for The Mummy ride at Universal Studios:) "I have to keep reminding myself: Nothing is scarier than defending my dissertation..."

Sunday, August 14, 2011

"I live in a pineapple under the sea...ok, I can't back that up."

Friday, August 5, 2011

(while watching Jeopardy): "I got some fencing, I got some archery, I got some art...I'm all up in this bitch tonight!"

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

(Watching the Jeopardy college tourniment, after a dismal "Video Game" category):  "What kind of college students are you?  Fuck, I got my PhD and I know my video games!"

Saturday, July 30, 2011

(After spilling some yeast on the floor): "c'mere you little rhizomes....yeast is a rhizome, right?"

Sunday, July 24, 2011

(To one of CN's ever-present ads directed at getting kiddos to leave their fast-food jobs and go to college online): "Are you kidding me?  You have a corndog on your hat that spins.  You're doing great."

Sunday, July 17, 2011

"Please pay attention to the size of my onion."

Saturday, July 16, 2011

"Please pay attention to the size of my onion."

Friday, July 15, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

(A student asks him if he charges people for hypnosis): "No, they pay me."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

(To his watch:) "How do you like that, bitch? The power of Christ compells you!"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Monday, July 11, 2011

"Isn't electricity free for me?  I'm a physicist."