"If you're going to be a trophy wife honey, you need a bigger shelf."

Oh football...

"Watching my cat try to catch her toy mouse is like watching Mark Sanchez try and carry a football."

"That ficus has seen horrors."

Guest Stupidity

"I think my curly bangs add a certain romanticism to the situation.  Suck it, Jane Austen."

Guest Stupidity

(When a version of "Let it go" was on Pandora:) "I prefer the other version of this song: (sings) 'Fuck it all/fuck it all'."

Guest Stupidity

(Singing along:) "Have a holly jolly Christmas/or I'll punch you in the face."

Guest Stupidity

"This fabric is beautiful and makes me want to murder babies."

(About Rush Limbaugh:) "You can hear the serifs in his voice."

Guest Stupidity

"What's that line from Romeo and Juliet?  Names, roses, suck?  A rose by any other name would be a hot UPS man?"

Guest stupidity

"It's not like anyone is going to spontaneously dive into Sam's chest-"
"Except that you did!"

Guest Stupidity

"It's like 50 Shades of Workplace Harassment!"

"I always confuse Snoopy and Flashdance."

Guest stupidity

"When Justin Timberlake delivers sexy, will I have to tip him?"

guest stupidity

"I don't want to lose a fight to a woman dressed like a sheep."

Guest stupidity

(About a smartphone battery:) "It died faster than a sympathetic character on Game of Thrones!"

guest stupidity

"At some point I am going to crush your soul and it's gonna be funny as hell."

guest stupidity

"Oh my god that's so cute! I think my uterus just skipped a beat."

(In class:) "You don't realize it, but I taught you how to make an atomic bomb in week 3."

(After making a pot reference in class that most of the students missed, quoting Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle:) "'What kind of Ivy League school is this?'"
(Several students, almost simultaneously:) "Not Brown."

"You can eat it, just let me throw things at it first."

(In a panicked tone:) "My pants have lapels!"

 So Blogger kind of sucks and won't embed the video, so please check it out on YouTube, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp4QnAj-Yb4&feature=youtu.be&a

This is the final final lecture speech -- how MPH wraps up his Physics class.  Please share, it's pretty brilliant!  Not included: the standing ovation he got from his class.  No joke, butts were out of seats.  Those kids loved him.

Guest stupidity

"It's my goal to be a farmer with a PhD."

Guest stupidity

(Regarding how hair should be styled for a dance piece:) "You're on the couch, drinking wine, eating ice cream, and watching He's Just Not That Into You on repeat."
(Note: she was doing none of these.)

(To a Jehovah's Witness at the door:) "No thank you, we're scientists."

"You might notice the couscous math on the fridge."

(On the futility of doing magic tricks for infants:) "Object permanence is magical."

Guest Stupidity

(To me:) "When you have a baby I'm buying it Machiavelli."

"I don't flex, I wiggle."

(Baking cookies, 12 minutes later:) "Man, Paula Deen must have been huffing Pam when she said that was 8 minutes."

Celebrity Guest Stupidity

(Courtesy of one of my favorite artists, to both MPH and I:) "You know what I tell young people who are thinking about having kids?  Use a condom."

Road rage

(In the car going around a curve on the inside, yelling at someone trying to pass him:) "Pi R Squared, bitch!"

Guest Stupidity

"You can't call shotgun on a [human] centipede!"

(After whacking his head:) "I taste pain!"

Guest Stupidity

"My toe is a pudgy butt."

Guest rant -- Amen!

"I want civil rights, respect and a healthy attitude about getting laid, ladies!  Otherwise, why bother?"

"I'm not saying I endorse that lifestyle, but when it comes to dancing I'm down with the coke whores."

(Regarding how passing a forkful of saucy Italian food across the table was not a wise idea:) "It's going to start out Lady and the Tramp and end up Exxon Valdez."

"No hitting people with monkeys!"

Guest Stupidity

(From Facebook:) "...it's clear that we've done something to anger the Plumbing Gods. Neil Gaiman hasn't adequately equipped us to address this situation."

Belated holiday stupidity

"Call me old-fashioned, I like to deck the tree with pants on."

(While watching a magician performing on YouTube and criticizing his performance:) "Yeah yeah, big cards, clearly you're compensating."

"Looks like I'm gonna herpa derp into old age with you."

(In the shop, while two students were discussing Harry Potter:) "Ladies! Less spell-casting more serging!"

(Pointing to some Christmas lights:) "Hey, plug in my dingly-dangly."

Partially Guest...Brilliance

(Originally posted on Facebook:) "(OP's) wife insisted on putting Sesame Street on Netflix for (his infant daughter). Out came Elmo, that fuzzy, falsetto-voiced hellspawn. (OP)'s daughter squealed in delight.

The dark times have begun.

(OP) Foolish girl to attack me so obviously. George Carlin specials are now on a loop at the (OP's) house. One does not topple a Sith with a mere pupic-thatch of a puppet. 

(MPH) Your overconfidence is your weakness. 

(OP) Your faith in Jim Henson is YOURS!"

(Discussing leftovers over text:)  "That's right Hamburger Helper.  Fuck you.  Right in your glove hole.  Or is that the Rice-a-Roni glove? No. Hamburger Helper. Fuck both them anyway. I don't need no stinkin' glove to cook! Ok, I do like my Ov-Glove.  And my fireproof BBQ ones are great.  Let me rephrase that.  I don't need no stinkin' anthropomorphic glove."