Tuesday, December 23, 2014

"If you're going to be a trophy wife honey, you need a bigger shelf."

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Oh football...

"Watching my cat try to catch her toy mouse is like watching Mark Sanchez try and carry a football."

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Guest Stupidity

"I think my curly bangs add a certain romanticism to the situation.  Suck it, Jane Austen."

Monday, November 3, 2014

Guest Stupidity

(When a version of "Let it go" was on Pandora:) "I prefer the other version of this song: (sings) 'Fuck it all/fuck it all'."

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Guest Stupidity

(Singing along:) "Have a holly jolly Christmas/or I'll punch you in the face."

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Guest Stupidity

"This fabric is beautiful and makes me want to murder babies."

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

(About Rush Limbaugh:) "You can hear the serifs in his voice."

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Guest Stupidity

"What's that line from Romeo and Juliet?  Names, roses, suck?  A rose by any other name would be a hot UPS man?"

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Guest stupidity

"It's not like anyone is going to spontaneously dive into Sam's chest-"
"Except that you did!"

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Guest Stupidity

"It's like 50 Shades of Workplace Harassment!"

Sunday, August 17, 2014

"I always confuse Snoopy and Flashdance."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Guest stupidity

"When Justin Timberlake delivers sexy, will I have to tip him?"

Sunday, August 3, 2014

guest stupidity

"I don't want to lose a fight to a woman dressed like a sheep."

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Guest stupidity

(About a smartphone battery:) "It died faster than a sympathetic character on Game of Thrones!"

Sunday, July 27, 2014

guest stupidity

"At some point I am going to crush your soul and it's gonna be funny as hell."

Sunday, July 13, 2014

guest stupidity

"Oh my god that's so cute! I think my uterus just skipped a beat."

Sunday, July 6, 2014

(In class:) "You don't realize it, but I taught you how to make an atomic bomb in week 3."

Sunday, June 22, 2014

(After making a pot reference in class that most of the students missed, quoting Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle:) "'What kind of Ivy League school is this?'"
(Several students, almost simultaneously:) "Not Brown."

Sunday, June 15, 2014

"You can eat it, just let me throw things at it first."

Monday, May 12, 2014

(In a panicked tone:) "My pants have lapels!"

Friday, May 2, 2014

 So Blogger kind of sucks and won't embed the video, so please check it out on YouTube, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp4QnAj-Yb4&feature=youtu.be&a

This is the final final lecture speech -- how MPH wraps up his Physics class.  Please share, it's pretty brilliant!  Not included: the standing ovation he got from his class.  No joke, butts were out of seats.  Those kids loved him.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Guest stupidity

(Regarding how hair should be styled for a dance piece:) "You're on the couch, drinking wine, eating ice cream, and watching He's Just Not That Into You on repeat."
(Note: she was doing none of these.)

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

(To a Jehovah's Witness at the door:) "No thank you, we're scientists."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"You might notice the couscous math on the fridge."

Monday, April 7, 2014

(On the futility of doing magic tricks for infants:) "Object permanence is magical."

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Guest Stupidity

(To me:) "When you have a baby I'm buying it Machiavelli."

Friday, March 7, 2014

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

(Baking cookies, 12 minutes later:) "Man, Paula Deen must have been huffing Pam when she said that was 8 minutes."

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Celebrity Guest Stupidity

(Courtesy of one of my favorite artists, to both MPH and I:) "You know what I tell young people who are thinking about having kids?  Use a condom."

Road rage

(In the car going around a curve on the inside, yelling at someone trying to pass him:) "Pi R Squared, bitch!"

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Guest Stupidity

"You can't call shotgun on a [human] centipede!"

Monday, February 17, 2014

(After whacking his head:) "I taste pain!"

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Monday, February 10, 2014

Guest rant -- Amen!

"I want civil rights, respect and a healthy attitude about getting laid, ladies!  Otherwise, why bother?"

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"I'm not saying I endorse that lifestyle, but when it comes to dancing I'm down with the coke whores."

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

(Regarding how passing a forkful of saucy Italian food across the table was not a wise idea:) "It's going to start out Lady and the Tramp and end up Exxon Valdez."

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Guest Stupidity

(From Facebook:) "...it's clear that we've done something to anger the Plumbing Gods. Neil Gaiman hasn't adequately equipped us to address this situation."

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Belated holiday stupidity

"Call me old-fashioned, I like to deck the tree with pants on."

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

(While watching a magician performing on YouTube and criticizing his performance:) "Yeah yeah, big cards, clearly you're compensating."

Monday, January 13, 2014

"Looks like I'm gonna herpa derp into old age with you."

Thursday, January 9, 2014

(In the shop, while two students were discussing Harry Potter:) "Ladies! Less spell-casting more serging!"

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

(Pointing to some Christmas lights:) "Hey, plug in my dingly-dangly."

Monday, January 6, 2014

Partially Guest...Brilliance

(Originally posted on Facebook:) "(OP's) wife insisted on putting Sesame Street on Netflix for (his infant daughter). Out came Elmo, that fuzzy, falsetto-voiced hellspawn. (OP)'s daughter squealed in delight.

The dark times have begun.
(OP) Foolish girl to attack me so obviously. George Carlin specials are now on a loop at the (OP's) house. One does not topple a Sith with a mere pupic-thatch of a puppet. 
(MPH) Your overconfidence is your weakness. 
(OP) Your faith in Jim Henson is YOURS!"

Friday, January 3, 2014

(Discussing leftovers over text:)  "That's right Hamburger Helper.  Fuck you.  Right in your glove hole.  Or is that the Rice-a-Roni glove? No. Hamburger Helper. Fuck both them anyway. I don't need no stinkin' glove to cook! Ok, I do like my Ov-Glove.  And my fireproof BBQ ones are great.  Let me rephrase that.  I don't need no stinkin' anthropomorphic glove."