(At a show:) "Every time there's a table in the shape of Africa, you know it's going to be a bad play. (To himself:) That didn't make any sense! Oh, it's a clock."

"Church would be more popular if they used Neccos."

(While watching Cirque, of course:) "Well, I was watching him slap people with a porkchop, so I didn't see anything happen."

(After reading this review of 50 Shades of Grey, moving on to finishing pizza dough): "Phil and his inner goddess need to proof the dough!"

"No, I'm not pregnant, just hungry." in regards to this:

That's a string cheese, slim jim, boston cream donut, (not pictured: keilbasa, half an apple), and oj with watermelon syrup (don't knock it, it's amazing).

"The velcro is the sound of my shame."

(He texts from a weekend away:) "I didn't shave this weekend so I have more beard than I started with.  Incidentally, this is the exact opposite of Tom Cruise's weekend."