Home...

"Home isn't where the heart is or where you hang your hat...it's where you take a shit in the morning."

(Watching Starship Troopers:) "Do these ships have any discernible purpose other than to get shot?"

Not Youtube

"Look how far technology has come since the last video!"

Guest Stupidity

(During a chat about airport security and the perks of having a frequent flier card:) "Thanks for agreeing to a cavity search, here's a free drink."

Though really, shouldn't the drink come before the groping?

Truth

(Talking about reality TV:) "That's one of the things I hate most about our culture.  We've made being stupid a career choice."

Hands

"Blow jobs: not a good time for jazz hands."

Ghosts

(Talking about a biblical figure in relation to Jewish traditions -- namely, leaving a place setting at the table for Elijah:) "Is he the one that stole the Kofi Anand? No-no wait... that's wrong, he's a war criminal... No wait he's head of the UN... No! Former head of the UN...  Affikomen!  That's what I meant."