"I'm not saying I endorse that lifestyle, but when it comes to dancing I'm down with the coke whores."

(Regarding how passing a forkful of saucy Italian food across the table was not a wise idea:) "It's going to start out Lady and the Tramp and end up Exxon Valdez."

"No hitting people with monkeys!"

Guest Stupidity

(From Facebook:) "...it's clear that we've done something to anger the Plumbing Gods. Neil Gaiman hasn't adequately equipped us to address this situation."

Belated holiday stupidity

"Call me old-fashioned, I like to deck the tree with pants on."

(While watching a magician performing on YouTube and criticizing his performance:) "Yeah yeah, big cards, clearly you're compensating."

"Looks like I'm gonna herpa derp into old age with you."

(In the shop, while two students were discussing Harry Potter:) "Ladies! Less spell-casting more serging!"

(Pointing to some Christmas lights:) "Hey, plug in my dingly-dangly."

Partially Guest...Brilliance

(Originally posted on Facebook:) "(OP's) wife insisted on putting Sesame Street on Netflix for (his infant daughter). Out came Elmo, that fuzzy, falsetto-voiced hellspawn. (OP)'s daughter squealed in delight.

The dark times have begun.

(OP) Foolish girl to attack me so obviously. George Carlin specials are now on a loop at the (OP's) house. One does not topple a Sith with a mere pupic-thatch of a puppet. 

(MPH) Your overconfidence is your weakness. 

(OP) Your faith in Jim Henson is YOURS!"

(Discussing leftovers over text:)  "That's right Hamburger Helper.  Fuck you.  Right in your glove hole.  Or is that the Rice-a-Roni glove? No. Hamburger Helper. Fuck both them anyway. I don't need no stinkin' glove to cook! Ok, I do like my Ov-Glove.  And my fireproof BBQ ones are great.  Let me rephrase that.  I don't need no stinkin' anthropomorphic glove."